I’m trying to post more but two days ago my laptop auto-updated, which I try NEVER to allow, because it is 11 years old and will NOT really process the updates. But every time it tries (and it was doing so for 4 hours) it then — when it will let me back on — kicks me off -line every five minutes or so, and then I have to shut it down and restart to get back on line and so I end up with that feeling in my chest and stomach and brain that I am going to explode because why the fuck am I plagued by this shit.
And, too, today I am supposed to be petsitting but that got canceled because Florida weather, and in addition to that loss, I have also had to cancel any cleaning I was doing this month because the doctor hasn’t cleared me for whatever it is this heart ot lung or brain thing going on.
And after two nights of sleeping for 6 hours for the first time since December when I got COVID and was unable to see FUNNY GIRL or enjoy Christmas, again, last night, less than two hours.
In 5 days I turn 62. Older than my father was when he died. Older than my sister was when she died. Twice as old as the only man I ever loved was when he died. And I am wishing things were different.
And I’m posting this before I get kicked off again (3 times while trying to get this done.)
I know the pain of the older laptop with the updates...not fun. So sorry you’re in this place where it feels like the world is pummeling you. I’m hoping this birthday allows you the opportunity to find the positives throughout all the noise. (It seems like you’ve found one with the age of 62. Now to decide what to do with that gift of added time that other family members didn’t get. I do the same thing since my own dad died at 59 after having his first heart attack at 49. I can’t help but compare my life to his that was cut short.) Sending positive birthday wishes your way.
💚x many birthday wishes!